Nightmare Revelations
by keistje
Summary: Nightmares haunt us all, but sometimes they show us the truth behind ourselves. (SanzoxGoku shounen-ai) - After 'A Simple Kiss'


Title: Nightmare Revelations  
  
Summary: Nightmares haunt us all, but sometimes they show us the truth behind ourselves. (SanzoxGoku shounen-ai)  
  
Warning: PG-13 for strong imagery and shounen-ai  
  
Disclaimer: If you ever see scenes like this in Saiyuki, you'll know I own it. Well, me or one of the other rabid Sanzo/Goku fangirls out there!  
  
A/N: This takes place sometime after 'A Simple Kiss', so if you haven't read that, both Sanzo and Goku are going to be very out of character. I highly recommend reading it before this.  
  
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"Kouryuu! Kouryuu! Where are you?"  
  
Sanzo opened his eyes and turned around at the sound of his former name. It was not something he was used to hearing any longer. The panic in the calling voice spiked through his mind, disorienting him. The sights that grabbed his eyes were as confusing as being called Kouryuu. It was dark where he was standing, and he could hear rain beating on the roof above his head. Candles on the walls provided barely enough light to see the area immediately around him, and their flickering light was further disturbed by the breeze generated by the quick movements of the people.  
  
Sanzo rubbed his eyes, trying to see what was going on. As his vision slowly adjusted to the dim light, he was able to see further down the hallway he was standing in. He was in a temple, monks rushing by him as though he was not even there. Despite his dislike of his title and position, he could not help feeling a little disgruntled that he, one of the few remaining Sanzo monks, was being ignored. He reached out a hand to grab an acolyte who was running by, but drew back as he recognized the man. He had not seen him in years, but Sanzo rarely forgot a face.  
  
The nausea of fear knotted in the pit of his stomach. He glanced around himself more carefully this time, and confirmed exactly what his growing panic was telling him. He knew this temple, knew every inch of it. How could he not? He had spent many years here, running through its halls, hiding in its rooms, playing out his childhood. Here was a place he had not called home since he had fled into the night to seek out his revenge. It had been more than 10 years since he had last walked these halls. But how could he be here? Shuei had told him the place had been destroyed, and the information had been confirmed by others. But it looked like nothing had changed.  
  
Sanzo refused to think about what his being here might mean. It raised too many disquieting thoughts. Out of a perverse sense of curiosity more than anything rational, he followed the monks up the hallway. Every step took him closer to where he was sure they had to be going. As soon as he rounded the corner, he knew he was right. Sanzo winced slightly as pain shot through his temples. His breathing was ragged, and his steps uncertain. He did not want to go any further, but could not stop his own movement.  
  
Shuei was banging on the door, calling his name. "Kouryuu! Are you in there? Are you all right? What's going on?"  
  
As Sanzo neared the commotion, he began to sweat, and fisted his hands to stop them from trembling. He still could not stop his forward momentum. The monks were crowded around him, but they seemed to move away as he passed. He reached out to touch a hand, a robe, anything, but it all slipped away from him. Shuei was using his shoulder to break down the door now, and the wood splintered beneath the heavy blows.  
  
"It's too late," a voice said. It took Sanzo a moment to realize the words had slid from his own throat. "It's too late. I... couldn't save him."  
  
The door caved in with a crash, and Shuei rushed inside. Sanzo shivered, cold despite the press of bodies around him, and unwillingly entered the room. Everything was exactly the way he expected it to be, the spilled lamp, the smashed furniture, the blood splashed on the walls, and himself, sitting in the middle of it all, cradling the body of his master.  
  
Sanzo stood in shock, barely able to squeeze a breath between the rapid beatings of his heart. Kouryuu looked up, and their eyes met. It was horrifying beyond comprehension to see it and live it at the same time. His own violet eyes stared at him over Shuei's shoulder, blaming him, taunting him for his weakness. Sanzo tried to step back, tried to look away, but was frozen in position. He could feel the blood dripping down his cheek, down his hands, could feel the cooling warmth of the heavy weight in his lap. For the first time in years, he could feel his chakra. He felt his body echo the movements of his younger self.  
  
They raised their hands together and said in unison, "I couldn't save him."  
  
Sanzo felt like he was going to be sick. Years of pain and sorrow pressed down on him, and he sank to his knees. He started to cover his face, wanting to block out the horrible surroundings, but froze when he saw the blood covering his hands. He could not breathe, could not move. Blackness hovered at the edge of his vision, and he shut his eyes. Suddenly he felt a weight on his lap. His eyes sprung open, and he looked down to see his master's face staring back up at him.  
  
Koumyou reached a torn and bloody hand up towards his face, and to Sanzo's horror, he flinched away. The hand fell away from him, landing limply on the floor with a quiet smack that seemed to echo in the blonde's ears. Sightless eyes gazed at him from a face drenched in blood. Sanzo drew the body to his chest, cradling his master against himself. His eyes burned with tears, but too many years of holding back would not allow them to fall.  
  
Sanzo was startled from his mourning by a sorrowful cry. In front of him knelt two hooded and cloaked men, heads bowed in grief. They looked slightly familiar, and he peered closely at them, peeking up into their hoods. The man on the left met his gaze, and Sanzo found himself looking into familiar red eyes. Gojyo...?  
  
He quickly looked towards the other man. Green eyes locked with his. Hakkai...? Why are they here? They shouldn't be here. They weren't here when this happened. Curiosity warred with horror. This was an odd turn for a familiar dream to take.  
  
Both men bowed their heads again as he watched, their eyes focused on his lap. Sanzo's eyes followed theirs, and as violet was drawn downwards, he realized that the body in his lap felt... different somehow. It was not until his eyes focused on the tousled brown hair covering shining gold that he realized the change. It was no longer the dead eyes of his master that bored into him, but the golden eyes of his lover. The young man's body was bloody and broken, no movement staving off the image of death. Scarlet life trickled slowly from the side of his mouth.  
  
Sanzo saw a hand reach out to caress Goku's face, though it was not until he felt warm skin under his fingers that he realized it was his own. It was so cruel to feel living warmth emanating from a dead body, and his breath caught in his throat. His heart skipped a beat, and for a moment he expected to join Goku in death. The relief that swept through him at that thought was unexpected. He had not believed his grief would disappear with Koumyou's body, but he was shocked at the pure sorrow that choked him. This young man, this earth spirit, had become more to him than even he knew.  
  
Despair shrouded him in a thick cloud. How could he go on, having again lost that which was so precious to him? Sanzo leaned down and pressed a kiss on those soft lips, never again to curl into a smile, to part in laughter, to speak words of love that he had once despaired of hearing, and now despaired of ever hearing again. He had known the gods were cruel, had learned that lesson early in life, but this... Goku had not deserved this death. He could not have lived through five hundred years of imprisonment for it to end like this.  
  
And now the tears did come, falling like the rain he hated so much. He could not weep for the master he had lost so long ago, but he could weep for the love he had barely known.  
  
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Sanzo sat straight up in bed, eyes wide, straining to see through the pressing darkness. His heart thumped against his rib cage, fear squeezing with a tight fist. He could not breathe, choking on his panic. He was shaking, and sweat coated his skin, causing goose bumps to rise where the draft from the open window brushed against his skin. He shivered at the cool touch, and the motion broke the terror that clung to him.  
  
The dream had been... disturbing. It was not the first time that he had relived Kouymou's death, but his dreams had never included Goku before. Sanzo was shocked at how much it had damaged his self-control. His fear of losing Goku was one that always lurked at the edge of his mind, but to feel it so vividly... He had thought it was something he could ignore, something that – while it would never go away – would not hold him back from being with the young man, not any longer. But was that true? Could he continue this relationship knowing it was very possible that the panic and pain of his dream would come true?  
  
Sanzo took a deep breath, holding it in for as long as he could. His heartbeat still pounded through him, but he could feel it gradually slow. He held a hand up in the dim light from the window, and noted with satisfaction that his shaking had almost completely stopped. He shivered again. It was cold in the room, especially compared to the warm huddle of blankets he had just emerged from and the warm body that had been snuggled against him.  
  
Sanzo looked down at the young man at his side. Goku had not woken, but was starting to shiver in the cold air that Sanzo's position allowed to creep under the blankets. A small frown crossed the young man's face as he curled into himself, trying to recapture the missing warmth. Sanzo ran a thumb across the crinkles between Goku's brows, smoothing them out as the younger man relaxed again under his touch. If only he could comfort himself as easily.  
  
It had taken him so long to admit to himself that he had feelings for the young youkai, and even longer to admit it to Goku. While things had not been perfect since then, they had been very good; even Sanzo had to admit that. Things had not changed much between them; little they did let outsiders know they were together. However, in private, and even occasionally in front of Hakkai and Gojyo, he allowed himself to return a little of Goku's exuberant affection. Not that it meant he was never irritated with the young man, that was hardly true. The constant fighting with Gojyo, the repetitive requests to be fed, the noise, they all grated on his nerves just as much as before. Yet... even when he was irritated with Goku, he was still happier. Still relieved to be near him, to be able to be irritated with him. Being with Goku made Sanzo feel alive, but it was this very thing that also scared him the most: The fear of having that sense of life ripped from him, stolen from him, lost to him again... for forever this time. He was not sure he could survive such loss a second time, and if he managed to, he would never allow the inclusion of it in his life again.  
  
Sanzo leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. Was he really so weak as to allow his fear to ruin something that had been so long in coming? They had both worked hard for this relationship, had fought battles both mental and physical. Could he let it be all for naught? And now that they had gotten this far, could he look Goku in the face day after day and deny that he wanted to be with him despite his fear? Could he lie to them both that the feelings so recently awakened in his heart were not important? Before the last time Goku had become Seiten Taisei, he might have been able to, to look into those golden eyes and break that trusting heart. But now... his own heart would break just as badly.  
  
Sanzo felt unsettled by that admission, even though it was just to himself. He had a weakness now, an obvious one, and it bothered him. He did not like feeling so unshielded. He reached over to the side table without opening his eyes, picking up his cigarettes and lighter. The table rocked slightly as he bumped it, and Sanzo made sure the sound had not disturbed his sleeping companion. Goku had snuggled back up to him, an arm wrapped around his hips, face buried into his side. The monk was so used to similar actions that he had not even felt it, and that surprised him. They had only been sleeping together like this for a few months, and it was not an everyday thing, happening only when they were able to find accommodating inns. How had he become so comfortable having Goku in his bed?  
  
Sanzo put the cigarette to his lips, and brought the lighter to it. He flicked it into life and stared at the flame. The golden light danced in the darkness of the room, casting a warming glow as far as its little light could reach. That was Goku, a bright flame through the darkness of their trials and tribulations, a light to uplift when the past became too heavy, a fire to warm all those around him. Sanzo could not help but wonder how he had ended up the focus of that light.  
  
His eyes turned back to the sleeping youkai, and he let the lighter go out, placing it and the cigarettes back on the table. He sat for a moment, half leaning against the wall, just watching his lover sleep. The young man looked so peaceful, so happy, dreaming his sweet visions of whatever. A pang of jealousy for that untroubled sleep touched Sanzo, but was gone in an instant. He would not be jealous of Goku's dreams. His own dreams were not pleasant, but they reminded him of what was important.  
  
And right now, what was most important to him was breathing softly into his side. Sanzo reached down and gently took Goku by the arm, sliding the young man up until he rested on his chest. He set his chin in the soft brown hair, placing a kiss on the top of the youkai's head. Goku stirred slightly, wrapping his arms more securely around Sanzo, but did not awaken. The monk breathed in the soft earthly scent that surrounded the young man. It comforted him more than any amount of nicotine could. And with Goku asleep, he could allow himself to cling to him, showing more of his weakness than he did in daylight hours.  
  
Sanzo wrapped his arms around Goku's back, holding him gently. They matched so well, like two pieces of a puzzle fitting snugly into each other. It was beyond his experience, this feeling of being completed by another person. For so long he had been content with just himself, never knowing what he was missing. But now that Goku had broken down the barriers around his heart, Sanzo found that he would not have things any other way.  
  
Goku moved slightly in his embrace, and Sanzo drew back to see gold blinking open. "S-sanzo?" a sleep-rasped voice questioned.  
  
"Go back to sleep, baka." He tried to keep the tenderness out of his voice. Feeling like this was one thing, letting the young man know it was something else entirely.  
  
"Why're you awake?" Goku attempted to focus on his face through bleary eyes.  
  
"It's nothing. Just a bad dream."  
  
"You had a nightmare? Wanna tell me about it?" The golden eyes were more alert now, peering at him intently.  
  
"No." His tone brooked no argument.  
  
Goku looked like he wanted to say more about it, but wisely chose to keep silent. Instead he leaned up and placed a sleepy kiss on Sanzo's lips. Drawing back with a smile, the young man snuggled back into the monk's chest. "Well, I'm here if you change your mind..." The youkai trailed off, already sinking back into slumber.  
  
Sanzo felt his lover's breathing slow. Though he had not chosen to share his nightmare, he felt reassured by Goku's offer. Just knowing the young man was there was comfort enough from any nightmare. He suddenly felt tired, and allowed his eyes to sink closed. In the quiet darkness of the room, a small smile graced the blonde's lips, his last waking thoughts of the brunette sleeping in his arms.  
  
--Owari--  
  
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A/N:  
  
Poor Sanzo, I love to make him angsty! hehe It's so much fun!  
  
A big thank you to all the wonderful readers and reviewers out there who are still enjoying my little Saiyuki ventures. Who knew 'A Simple Kiss' would spawn a whole universe!?  
  
To all the friends who read over this for me: bleedformeee, shelley, Iapetus; Thank you for your encouragement and lovely comments. Your excitement always puts me into fangirl mode! Hugs  
  
To stitcher2ficcer and iamzuul, your comments and edits always take my writing to a better level. Thank you for your help. I love you both! Hugs  
  
Stitcher2ficcer recently posted a yummy Sanzo/Goku piece called 'Test of Rain'. If you haven't read it yet, you really should, just make sure to protect your keyboard from drool!  
  
I'm always looking for suggestions on good yaoi / shounen-ai manga and anime, so if any of you out there have any favorites, please share them! (Either strongly implied or actual is fine) I've gotten into FAKE, Gravitation, Demon Diary, Eerie Queerie, and have started downloading Yami no Matsuei by review suggestion. I'm always up for more!  
  
Till next time,  
  
keistje 


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